My Dad grew up working on a farm, and if you have ever heard of “farmboy” strength, you know that he was a strong dude! He used to tell me stories of hoisting a bale of hay in each hand and throwing them into the barn loft – that’s strong!
He was fast too. When I was about 15 we were doing some roofing on the big chicken house, about 20 feet up a ladder. For some stupid reason I smarted off to my mother and headed as fast as I could down the ladder. He was on me so fast I didn’t know what hit me. So much for being stronger and faster (or evidently smarter) then the old man. Ahhh, good times!
So anyway he sent this list on holiday eating tips, so having wised up a bit, I figured I would share them with you too.
- Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a Christmas buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit.. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.
- Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It’s rare. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!
- If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
- As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
- Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
- Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
- If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.
- Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
- Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards. Unless it’s been soaked in rum for a year. (My mother’s recipe)
One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Have a great holiday season!!