Happy Birthday Derek

It’s crazy to think that 14 years ago today I held you in my arms for the first time. It was crazy you were here at all. Mom and I thought we were done having babies. After all your brothers were already 13 and 14, and we were plenty happy to think that in just a few short years we would have the house, and each other, all to ourselves again. How foolish and selfish and shortsighted that was. What a blessing we would have missed.

When I think back on it, I wonder if much really would have changed. I mean people have babies all the time; people have unexpected, surprise babies all the time. We adapted. A little less sleep, a little more chaos, a lot more joy in the house. Your brothers love you so much. To see teenage boys dote over their little brother was such a joy. The smiles you have brought into our house was amazing, and needed.

I would have never dreamed as I held you on this day 14 years ago that there would be a far different day 11 months and 7 days later. You see that was the hardest day of my life. That is the day I stood in the ER in Concord Hospital and held your lifeless body in my arms for the last time. The most difficult thing I have ever done was gently placing that same body in a hospital bed and walking away, knowing is was the last time I would ever see you on this earth.

But thankfully that was not, is not, the end of the story.

You have another brother and two sisters that you haven’t met yet – Andrew David, who we named after you. Karalynn Joy and Amy Marie. They ask about you sometimes. They want to know who you were, what you did.

What you did? Now that is a big question, with a big answer.

What you did was change my life, and in the process open doors for many other people’s lives to change.

You made a difference.

You see when you died you woke me up. To the fact that I was was alive but not really living. I was content to go to work, come home and watch TV all night, go to bed and do it again. When you died mom was 5 months pregnant with Andrew, and your death took a lot out of us. We were tired, weak and broken. But the way our friends and family and church rallied around us was incredible. They showed us a love beyond words. They made a difference to two people who needed them desperately. The change in my life had begun.

You see your death opened my eyes to how short life could be, and for some how short it actually is.

I realized that if I did not change physically my life would be much shorter. The picture to the right is how you remember me. Overweight, clinically obese if truth be told, out of shape, except round, and unable to do much of anything physically. I am holding up ribbons for placing in a dessert and pie contest at the church picnic. I remember trying to participate in some games and thinking “Man, these kids are really fast.” In reality I just couldn’t move anymore. The same body that had lettered in three sports and served in the Army had been abused by food and lacked the ability to do any much in the way of physical activity. I remember even carrying you up the stairs to your bedroom would leave me out of breath. I realized that if something didn’t change, if I didn’t change, I would not be able to run around with your soon to be born brother like I did with your older brothers when they were younger. I was going to be one of those dads who wouldn’t play catch and throw a football because they can’t.

Your death started me down a path to better health, but it goes way beyond the physical. By the grace of God I have been allowed to impact other peoples lives using the vehicle of health and fitness. I am writing this from a hotel room in Phoenix AZ at the Activeight conference, where my professional peers and I get to come into community , co-create, and discover how together we can have an impact on this world. I would have never dreamed this, never mind actually be doing it, if the path of my life had been different.

You may be gone, but the end of your story has not been written, my son. I miss you terribly, especially on days like this. My heart aches around the holidays, because my entire family has never celebrated Thanksgiving and Christmas together, and never will. It hurts me to see the deep pain that mom still feels when she thinks about you. But there is good. There is a verse in the Bible that I had read many times, but I am not sure I ever really believed:

Romans 8:28 ”  And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good,  for those who are called according to his purpose.“

Love God. All things. Good.

They say that time heals all wounds. That is a lie. What time does is help give perspective. The past 14 years have grown me beyond what I would have wanted. They have stretched your entire family. But they have also made me realize that I don’t have to understand all the “why’s” to know God is sovereign and He has a purpose for our lives – He had a purpose for your life. Because you lived and died, my life and the lives of many others have been changed forever. That is good.

Some people reading this may not understand this, but I have a confidence that I will see you again. There will be a day with no more tears, no more sadness, no more death.

I can’t wait for that day.

That will be the happiest day of all.

Happy Birthday Derek.

I love you,
Dad

John 11:25-26  … “I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live,  and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die. Do you believe this?”