Remembering

There are things in life we would all like to forget. Awkward moments, stupid decisions, heartache and hurt.

But where would we be without the painful moments? With what could we contrast the things in our lives that are sweet, and bring us joy?

Sometimes the joy and pain are intertwined, sorrowfully sweet sinews woven together that somehow bring light to our crying eyes.

So it is for me today, October 14th 2016.

It was 14 years ago that our 11-month old son Derek’s earthly light was darkened as he passed from this life to the next.

It is painful as I think about holding his lifeless body one last time, lay him in the bed in the Concord Hospital ER, and turn and walk away.

Such pain I never want to experience again, and yet every time I think of that day, or any other day that my remembrance brings me to thoughts of him, I cannot help but feel joy as well.

I feel joy in the smiles of his younger brother and sisters. I see his laugh, feel the warmth of his eyes in theirs. Long for them to take none of their days for granted, because who really knows how many we have left?

I feel joyful pride as I think of my older boys, now both with children of their own. How they too persevered through those dark days, grieving in their own way, yet never letting it break them. And I see a gentleness in how they raise their own kids; I think their life experience has something to do with that.

And what can I say about Nancy? Joy seems too weak a word to describe what I feel when I think about her. We have been through some tough times together, and life is not always rosy. But she is the joy and love of my life, always willing to forgive and walk with me on this journey, no matter what happens.

Sorrow and Joy.

Two sides of the same coin?

My life would be far different, and not better, if Derek was never born.

Every October 14th I get to be reminded in a deep way of how precious he was, and how good I really have it.

Love you bud. See you soon. – Dad

“….sorrow not, even as others which have no hope.” I Thess 4:13